I can pretty quickly tell you what I do not want to be, but WHAT to be is a much tougher question. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I remember being about seven years old and knowing that being a stay at home mom was exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. That feeling never left. Before Lewis, all I did was work with kids. I mean my major in college was Child and Family studies for crying out loud!! It's a passion of mine. I loved teaching and working with teens, but I never realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in that. So once the glorious day came that I was able to stay home, as thrilled as I was, I was very unprepared for hole that no longer teaching those teens left.
It's been a little over a year since I quit my full time teaching job and I am "chomping at the bit," as my dad would say, to DO something. Yes, raising Lewis to be a decent tiny human is something, but I want our lives to be richer. I want to show him how to serve others. I want to show him how to be friends and love those who don't have as much as we do. I want to show him how Jesus is relevant to every.single.human on this Earth. I want to show him that we ALL need a rescue. ALL of us. I want to show him how to have compassion for those the rest of the world is forgetting or have already forgotten. More than anything, I don't want to pass away having done nothing more than sit on my couch watching the rest of the world go about their business.
It's funny how the best insight comes from the most unexpected conversations. I was told recently that I have seemed unsettled this year. Of course I bucked that "nonsense" with such pride and arrogance. How could I be unsettled? I'm happy. I'm content. Then the Lord, in his wisdom, continued to show me areas of my life where I am, in fact, unsettled. Content is not always a good place to be, people! Now, that one comment has snowballed into a much deeper look at who God wants me to be and be with. He wants me to be with HIS people (we are all His people, even if you're mad at him or don't believe in him. Those things don't change his love for you, even if you can't see or feel it). In my searching for a purpose, I shouted out to my corner of the world, A.K.A. Facebook! I got so many amazing suggestions that I'm most definitely looking into. A friend suggested a nursing home. Listen, the elderly intimidate me. I was rarely around the elderly growing up and my few experiences were with my grandfather in a nursing home where a naked man walked around and sat on the end of everyone's bed. My aunt had to pick up my grandpa's cane and shew him off. It was like a movie! As I thought about how I couldn't go into a nursing home because of my fear, I presented my hesitation (insert lame excuse here) to my friend Megan. Without missing a beat, she said this to me:
It's the things that make us ache, cringe, cry, and fear that God really wants us to do....humble ourselves til there's nothing left to humble, sister!
And just like that, my mind is made up.